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<\/p>\nBest therapeutic practice is informed by attachment theory in repairing attachment wounds.<\/p>\n
These wounds stem from the way we are looked after by our caregivers.<\/p>\n
John Bowlby famous psychologist defined attachment \u201cas being a strong affectional tie that binds a person to an intimate companion.\u201d<\/p>\n
We develop attachment patterns from birth and they continue to evolve into adulthood.<\/p>\n
Our genes, and our personalities \u00a0shape our attachment patterns. \u00a0Early connections with our parents are also influential. \u00a0 Adult relationship experiences impact our patterns of forming attachments.<\/p>\n
As we have experiences in close relationships our personalities form.<\/p>\n
The quality of our relationships influences our attachment styles.<\/p>\n
The way we handle our current relationship is a product of our past relationships.<\/p>\n
We develop thoughts about our self and other people from past relationships.<\/p>\n
Our relationship experiences shape expectations about our current relationship.<\/p>\n
The way we think about our social interactions are influenced by our relationships.<\/p>\n
Beliefs about ourselves change for example if our partner is avoidant<\/p>\n
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of closeness or ambivalent about commitment.<\/p>\n
We become insecure and doubt our worth about being loveable.<\/p>\n
This changes our attachment style to becoming less securely attached.<\/p>\n
Equally if we are prone to being insecure in relationships there is hope.<\/p>\n
When we attract a securely attached partner who models and nurtures us we become securely attached.<\/p>\n
Therapeutic intervention greatly assists individuals to modify their attachment style in the therapeutic relationship.<\/p>\n
Research shows that attachment styles are pliable as they are influenced by our relationships.<\/p>\n
Securely attached people remain secure in the presence of anxious or avoidant attached people when they have ego strength to maintain their secure mindset.<\/p>\n
It is important to understand individuals are not one attachment style within all contexts of their lives.<\/p>\n
For example someone securely attached with their family and partner, can be avoidant or anxiously attached in the work place.<\/p>\n
One attachment style is not better or worse than the other. \u00a0Importantly it is about how well you fit with your partner that matters.<\/p>\n
There are four attachment styles named in attachment theory. \u00a0They are secure, avoidant, anxious and disorganised.<\/p>\n
Disorganised attachment style is when a child has experienced a disruptive attachment with their caregiver. \u00a0 For example an absent emotionally present parent that is abusive disrupts a child\u2019s ability to form healthy attachments.<\/p>\n
People with a disorganised attachment heal by making meaning and sense of their story.<\/p>\n
When they gain long term support from a therapist they can understand how their\u00a0childhood experiences have affected their\u00a0lives.<\/p>\n
This understanding provides a new platform for them to make informed choices about whom to form healthy attachments with.<\/p>\n
Securely attached people are stable in relationships. \u00a0 They are emotionally available. \u00a0Secures \u00a0do not use mind games to gain self-interest. \u00a0Purely focusing on the task at hand. \u00a0They forgive more easily and do not hold grudges.<\/p>\n
Secure attachments originate from children having experiences with mothers sensitive and responsive to their needs.<\/p>\n
Amir Levine and Rachel Heller authors assert a secure attachment is developed when mothers possess a kind of \u2018sixth sense\u2019 and intuitively know when a child wants to be held.<\/p>\n
A secure attachment is formed between mother and child.<\/p>\n
For example soothing a baby or child before they become emotionally overwhelmed is helpful. \u00a0As is giving them space to \u2018be\u2019 without interfering provides the ground work for a secure attachment to be formed.<\/p>\n
People with a secure attachment style are programmed \u201cto expect their partners to be loving and responsive.\u201d They are unafraid of losing their partner\u2019s love (Amir & Heller: 2011).<\/p>\n
Securely attached people are emotionally flexible. \u00a0They forgive more readily as they are able to switch off negative emotions without becoming defensively distant.<\/p>\n
A securely attached person will however instinctively recognise when a relationship is not wholesome.<\/p>\n
It is helpful to recognise the principles of a secure attachment to understand what a secure attachment is. \u00a0Such principles are being available, not interfering, encouraging others, communicating clearly and honestly.<\/p>\n
Securely attached people use language that is congruent with the context, do not generalise, and genuinely care about their partner\u2019s well-being.<\/p>\n
When a person wears their heart on their sleeve and lets their partner know how much they mean to them this strengthens the bond between them.<\/p>\n
It is important to know that people have specific needs in relationships. For example while securely attached people are unafraid of closeness they also enjoy their autonomy.<\/p>\n
Anxious attached people have a strong need for closeness. They often need reassurance from their partner that they love and respect them.<\/p>\n
When an anxiously attached individual \u00a0commences a relationship with a secure attached person their anxiety reduces in time.<\/p>\n
However it is more difficult for an anxiously attached person to navigate a relationship with an avoidant attached person. \u00a0 This is because when an avoidant wants distance, distance makes the anxious person feel anxious.<\/p>\n
Interactions with an avoidant attachment style in intimate relationships can be challenging.<\/p>\n
It is useful to identify the avoidant attachment characteristics to prevent any negative impacts on your self-esteem when feeling anxious.<\/p>\n
These characteristics consist of being self-reliant, having an inflated opinion of self, dismissing another, suppressing loving emotions and seeing only the negative in others.<\/p>\n
An avoidant person also assumes the other person\u2019s actions have a malicious intent, and disregard their emotional cues.<\/p>\n
Amir and Heller authors state \u201cfrequently avoidants feel independent and powerful only to the extent that their partner feels needy and incapable. \u00a0This is one of the main reasons avoidants hardly date one another\u201d (Amir & Heller: 2011).<\/p>\n
The challenge for avoidants is that neither of them are able to sustain emotional intimacy for them to stay together.<\/p>\n
Avoidants are able to maintain relationships when they clearly communicate their expectations and needs directly to their partner in a non- blaming manner.<\/p>\n
I agree with Amir & Heller\u2019s assertion that \u201ceffective communication works on the understanding that we all have very specific needs in relationships, many of which are determined by your attachment style.\u201d<\/p>\n
For example, avoidants like distance either emotional or physical, secures like honesty and autonomy, and anxious like closeness and reassurance.<\/p>\n
A person with an anxious attachment puts their partner on a pedestal and feels small and inferior in contrast to their partner. \u00a0They forgive their partner\u2019s critical comments. \u00a0They often remember the positive attributes that their partner portrays.<\/p>\n
Anxiously attached individuals ignore their own needs for closeness and distance when they become overly focused on their partner\u2019s needs.<\/p>\n
An anxious person unknowingly becomes accustomed to the highs and lows of emotions that come from being in a relationship with an avoidant attached person.\u00a0This feels like an emotional roller coaster in the relationship.<\/p>\n
Advocating for your needs in a relationship is necessary for your well-being.<\/p>\n
It is helpful for individuals to educate and acknowledge their attachment patterns. Understanding the attachment style of your partner also helps to consolidate a relationship that is mutually satisfying.<\/p>\n
When experiencing relationship struggles it is helpful to seek assistance from a therapist that is knowledgeable and compassionate about attachment styles.<\/p>\n
Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller 2011.<\/p>\n
Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors by Janina Fisher 2017<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Understanding relationships Best therapeutic practice is informed by attachment theory in repairing attachment wounds. These wounds stem from the way we are looked after by our caregivers. Defining Attachment John Bowlby famous psychologist defined attachment \u201cas being a strong affectional tie that binds a person to an intimate companion.\u201d Attachment patterns We develop attachment patterns…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13,16,75,2,11,34,33,32,31,14,55,18],"tags":[37,49,78,79,76,42,80,82,40,77,48,46,38,81,35],"class_list":["post-1283","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-addiction","category-anxiety","category-attachment-styles","category-blog","category-depression","category-family-of-origin-issues","category-grief-counseling","category-mindfulness-bodymind-psychotherapy","category-relationship-difficulties","category-self-esteem","category-separation-issues","category-trauma","tag-anxiety","tag-attachment-repair","tag-attachment-styles","tag-body-mind-psychotherapy","tag-couples-therapy","tag-depression","tag-family-of-origin","tag-grief","tag-improved-relationships","tag-milestones","tag-mindfulness-based-psychotherapy","tag-self-awareness","tag-self-esteem","tag-separation","tag-trauma"],"yoast_head":"\n