{"id":1377,"date":"2021-02-10T10:01:16","date_gmt":"2021-02-10T10:01:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/cwsdemowebsites.com\/safenet\/?p=1377"},"modified":"2026-03-31T06:57:21","modified_gmt":"2026-03-31T06:57:21","slug":"intimacy-is-yours-when-having-an-honest-relationship-with-yourself","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cwsdemowebsites.com\/safenet\/blog\/intimacy-is-yours-when-having-an-honest-relationship-with-yourself\/","title":{"rendered":"Intimacy is yours"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"
\n<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n

 <\/p>\n

Intimacy is yours when having an honest relationship with yourself.<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n

Intimacy feels<\/span><\/span> elusive when we are not honest with ourselves or each other.<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n

We are not always aware when we are lying to ourselv<\/span><\/span>es when we\u00a0<\/span><\/span>are<\/span><\/span> busy pretending. \u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Developing a real self <\/span><\/span>is <\/span><\/span>being honest with <\/span><\/span>ourselves<\/span><\/span>.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

We <\/span><\/span>are alive at a time where<\/span><\/span> people feel alone. \u00a0<\/span><\/span>Many<\/span><\/span> people are busy pretending that they aren\u2019t<\/span><\/span> alone<\/span><\/span>.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Introduction<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n

Donald <\/span><\/span>Winnicott<\/span><\/span> English psychoanalyst in the 60\u2019s introduced the concepts of true self and false self.<\/span><\/span> \u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

We are <\/span><\/span>our t<\/span><\/span>rue self <\/span><\/span>when we are<\/span><\/span> comfortable with <\/span><\/span>our real feelings and desires<\/span><\/span> whilst<\/span><\/span> interact<\/span><\/span>ing<\/span><\/span> with other people<\/span><\/span>. \u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Our t<\/span><\/span>rue self <\/span><\/span>describe<\/span><\/span>s us when we are<\/span><\/span> spontaneous, alive and authentic. \u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Carl <\/span><\/span>Rogers<\/span><\/span> psychotherapis<\/span><\/span>t saw<\/span><\/span> a person with a <\/span><\/span>real<\/span><\/span> self as having <\/span><\/span>good self-<\/span><\/span>esteem. \u00a0For Ro<\/span><\/span>gers good self-<\/span><\/span>esteem entails being able to feel for others and hav<\/span><\/span>ing a <\/span><\/span>positive regard for oneself and others.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Real Self <\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n

When we are being in our <\/span><\/span>real self <\/span><\/span>we<\/span><\/span> are with the rea<\/span><\/span>lity of what is actually happening<\/span><\/span>.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

We are also our real self when m<\/span><\/span>a<\/span><\/span>stery of<\/span><\/span> daily<\/span><\/span> tasks in everyday life <\/span><\/span>is maintained<\/span><\/span> with equilibrium<\/span><\/span>.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

False Self<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n

We form a false self often from the way we are parented. \u00a0How we relate to our parents carries forward to how we relate to significant others.
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

It is challenging to form close relationships when we are behaving from a false self. \u00a0For example when we are not being our true selves people find it difficult to trust us.<\/span><\/span> \u00a0We also find it difficult to trust ourselves.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

An antidote of a false self is allowing ourselves spontaneous self<\/span><\/span>–<\/span><\/span>expression. \u00a0The aim is to express ourselves rather than to hide.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

When we are behaving from a <\/span><\/span>false self <\/span><\/span>we are <\/span><\/span>motivated by childish fantasies of wanting someone<\/span><\/span> else<\/span><\/span> \u2018to do it for us\u2019, such <\/span><\/span>a<\/span><\/span>s<\/span><\/span> completing <\/span><\/span>our <\/span><\/span>day to day tasks.<\/span><\/span> \u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

We think we will be safer when we behave from a false self <\/span><\/span>to not <\/span><\/span>get hurt.<\/span><\/span> \u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

False self develops<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n

False self develops when we feel we have no choice but to w<\/span><\/span>ard off our feelings of anxiety. \u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Protective function<\/h2>\n

It has two <\/span><\/span>protective <\/span><\/span>functions<\/span><\/span> to<\/span><\/span>:<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

– <\/span>help <\/span><\/span>a family <\/span><\/span>m<\/span><\/span>aintain it<\/span><\/span>s denial of problems.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
– <\/span>keep the true self safe and hidden <\/span><\/span>from others.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

Personality traits<\/h2>\n

A false self has these personality traits which give us a false sense of safety:<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Passive behaviour by wanting others to make us happy.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Supine behaviour where we pretend to be friendly but aren\u2019t willing to be friends.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Expectation that life owes us.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Blaming others for our predicament and suffering.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Denying our own fulfilment by being a martyr.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Dependant on addictive substances keeping us disconnected.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

Parenting and ot<\/span><\/span>her authority figures shape how we behave as a <\/span><\/span>false or true self<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n

We will select from our environment anything that reinforces early parental messages that inhibits or strengthens our self<\/span><\/span>–<\/span><\/span>worth or image. \u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

How we cope with life and how we manage ourselves has a lot to do with how we perceive and value ourselves. \u00a0We learn this from our caregivers.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Common signs of low self-<\/span><\/span>esteem<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n

Some common signs of low self<\/span><\/span>–<\/span><\/span>esteem are needing to win, whining, cheating <\/span><\/span>in games, perfectionism, <\/span><\/span>shopping excessively<\/span><\/span>\u00a0or other addictive behaviour<\/span><\/span>, clowning around, teasing, sarcasm<\/span><\/span>, attention seeking, being <\/span><\/span>critical, making excuses\u00a0<\/span><\/span>for things, ghosting others, being defensive, people pleasing, unable to make choices and say yes<\/span><\/span> or no<\/span><\/span>.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Low self<\/span><\/span>–<\/span><\/span> esteem is a lost sense of self.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Healing a false self<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n

One way to heal <\/span><\/span>a <\/span><\/span>false self is through psychotherapy<\/a>.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

This involves accepting and becoming aware of the pattern<\/span><\/span> of behaving from a false self<\/span><\/span>. \u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

In therapy w<\/span><\/span>e talk about our fear of being our true self<\/span><\/span> with the therapist<\/span><\/span>. \u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Often our fears of being real are projected onto <\/span><\/span>other <\/span><\/span>people. \u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

This feels like externally people are judging us, being withholding, or making fun of us.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Sometimes this is very confusing and painful because it feels like it is really happening to us. \u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Here we blame people and experience conflict in relationships and in the workplace. \u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

It feels real because externally the <\/span><\/span>way the <\/span><\/span>person<\/span><\/span> is<\/span><\/span> behaving <\/span><\/span>mirrors our \u2018wound\u2019 often stemming from childhood.<\/span><\/span> \u00a0Their behaviour feels personal and sometimes it is when the person can feel it\u2019s a soft spot for <\/span><\/span>them<\/span><\/span>. \u00a0The person feeling our vulnerability will gain an unhealthy sense of power<\/span><\/span> when they sense this<\/span><\/span>. \u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Once this happens it is challenging <\/span><\/span>for both people <\/span><\/span>because <\/span><\/span>there is conflict that will need <\/span><\/span>resolving<\/span><\/span> for the community to flourish<\/span><\/span>.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Right intention, effort and action<\/span><\/span> \u00a0 \u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n

You can resolve the conflict independently seeking help from a psychotherapist.
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

The steps include helping you to be mindful, present and aware of your experience through your <\/span><\/span>thoughts, feelings, body sensations and memories associated with the pain. \u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

The process of healing takes time. \u00a0Therefore don\u2019t lose <\/span><\/span>hope and trust. \u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Stay close to your goals by taking responsibility for the way you want to experience your life.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Treatment in healing a false self<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n

Therapy helps us to investigate where our negative thoughts, feelings and beliefs originate from, such as parents, peers, teachers, or colleagues.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

We identify the false self in therapy when we find limiting beliefs, alienating thoughts or<\/span><\/span> feelings<\/span><\/span>, memories o<\/span><\/span>r body sensations that feel non-<\/span><\/span>spontaneous and tense. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Self-awareness<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n

It is in this work that we become aware of who we are and what our needs are as we arrive at a greater understanding of the situation. \u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Steps to take in healing\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
Therapist strengthens our real self as we feel heard and known in the reality of who we are.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Feel held in the therapy.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Remedy the situation by accepting where you are.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Turn your attention within and become mindful.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Allow yourself to be still and pause in mindfulness.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Listen to your inner world<\/span><\/span> as the therapist works collaboratively with you.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Ability to stand back and be objective.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Listen, acknowledge and accept your feelings.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Treat yourself with respect and accept yourself as you are.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Praise yourself and be honest with yourself.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Feel the freedom to make your own choices.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Respect your feelings, needs, wants, suggestions and wisdom.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Therapy is naturally a creative unfolding process that reinforces the real self.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Allow yourself to experiment and be creative\u00a0<\/span><\/span>and pursue your own interests.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Notice your real self as you feel these qualities from your heart and mind: heart full compassion, calmness, clear minded awareness, connection, curious attention, creativity and courage<\/span><\/span>.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Creativity reinforces your real self.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

Key to healing a false self<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n

Facing our fears of not being liked and feeling abandoned carves out an import path to meeting your real self.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

It is helpful to un<\/span><\/span>derstand that abandonment depression is <\/span><\/span>caused by caregivers disallowing young people from being <\/span><\/span>independent<\/span><\/span> and having <\/span><\/span>unique self-expression.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

When we aren\u2019t encouraged to be ourselves we look to others to make our lives meaningful.
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

We thereby lose our self-esteem to execute day to day tasks successfully.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Real self skills<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n

An important real self skill is being able to speak up and ask for what we want which requires us to be vulnerable as we are ourselves. \u00a0\u00a0A<\/span><\/span>n action system of daily life <\/span><\/span>is <\/span><\/span>being able to reach out to others<\/span><\/span>, <\/span><\/span>give and accept support.<\/span><\/span>
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

One of the purposes of therapy is helping a person be themselves.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Psychotherapy improves<\/span><\/span> self-esteem<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n

What is important is in therapy a person contacts feelings that she or he have buried when they were a child.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

It is helpful to work on a memory, and have the opportunity to deal with long forgotten, but still incapacitating feelings and conflict.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Shame, guilt, and a great deal of buried, forgotten and unexpressed fear and anger <\/span><\/span>is<\/span><\/span> expressed for the person to regain a sense of self<\/span><\/span>–<\/span><\/span>worth, self<\/span><\/span>–<\/span><\/span>support and well<\/span><\/span>–<\/span><\/span>being in our life.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Therapy helps us get <\/span><\/span>in touch with our own goodness <\/span><\/span>to feel at home in the world. \u00a0We are helped to give up negative messages about ourselves and form positive ones.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Therapy is effective in helping an individual know themselves. \u00a0It is a relief for <\/span><\/span>people <\/span><\/span>to uncover the truth of who they are and feel comfortable being their real self. \u00a0For many it is like a home coming where they no longer feel the need to hide.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

References<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
1. <\/span>The Forgiving Self<\/span><\/span> The Road from Resentment to Connection. \u00a0Robert Karen.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
2. <\/span>The Search for the Real Self Unmasking the Personality Disorders of our age. \u00a0James F. Masterson.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
3. <\/span>Windows to our Children. \u00a0Violet <\/span><\/span>Oaklander<\/span><\/span>.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

  Intimacy is yours when having an honest relationship with yourself. Intimacy feels elusive when we are not honest with ourselves or each other. We are not always aware when we are lying to ourselves when we\u00a0are busy pretending. \u00a0 Developing a real self is being honest with ourselves. We are alive at a time…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13,16,2,11,34,33,32,31,14,18],"tags":[90],"class_list":["post-1377","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-addiction","category-anxiety","category-blog","category-depression","category-family-of-origin-issues","category-grief-counseling","category-mindfulness-bodymind-psychotherapy","category-relationship-difficulties","category-self-esteem","category-trauma","tag-psychotherapy"],"yoast_head":"\nIntimacy Through Self-Honesty | True Self Guide<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Discover how honesty with yourself builds true intimacy. 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